You know what it means right? You know it right? I'm sure you do. You absolutely know what it means. So why don't you tell me?

On the other hand, I so freaking sorry ben. I SHOULDN'T HAVE NEGLECTED YOU ALL THESE WHILE WHEN I WAS HAPPILY DEPRESSED. I AM FREAKING SORRY THOUGH YOU DIDN'T SAY A WORD AT ALL. I KNOW. I SUCK. IM SORRY.

okay, i love you, i think.

nike run + boys like girls = diet + rock concert = WHAT MORE!?

I'm feeling so angry now till my heart's beating so damn fast.

lesson learnt: don't be too friendly and make so many friends.

on the other hand, i've decided to wake up at 10 and watch wangzibianqingwa before going for nike run. i think i need to calm my nerves before meeting people that just triggered the fire in me. if not, i might just explode in their face and end it with a middle finger.

sometimes, i blame myself for making friends. if you had no friends, you wouldn't have to face this shitty side of theirs that you totally abhor and can't wait to go up to their face and slap it a thousand times. Im serious

okay, maybe not DON'T make friends at all. perhaps selectively.

i'm totally grateful for people like wifey and clique, and jayjay with weister. Totally.

Nope, I'm not fishing for any positive compliments.

I have long hair now. And it's getting a little hard to handle, cos I have alot of hair. They're thick per strand and thick in amount.

No, at this very sober moment of mine, I've decided to type this out.

I'm not drunk. You know in shows? Where people 'Jie jiu xiao chou (drinking to ease their pain/suffering)? I think it's hilarious lor. You pay so much, to get yourself a major hangover the next day, and probably puke all over your body, if you're a guy, there's high chance that you might be on the streets, beside a lamp post. And if you're a girl, there is a super high chance you'll be in some strange cheapo hotel, naked and/or probably robbed of both your chastity and moneyyy. Dumb right? Okay, perhaps you have another perspective towards it. But you can't deny that fact right? It's not as if it's gonna solve any damn problem in life. It's escapism.

If people like me were to escape, you should really pity them and give them a hug, because they actually have no idea about what they are escaping from. It's like a general thing. Like suddenly, one day, you woke up on the wrong side of the bed and everything goes wrong. You dislike everybody, and whatever anybody does, is totally wrong. I don't know if using the phrase "Wrong thing and Wrong time" would be good because it's not their fault, but yours, but then again, not entirely your fault because you never meant to do it and feel that way. However, people misunderstands and it's the end. After the misunderstanding of you, people's impression of you is heading downhill and it'll take forever to climb back - but you can, with the help of your friend, you definitely can. Sometimes, in life, all we need is just a little push, and we'll be going on, forever.

Okay, I totally couldn't see the point of the last paragraph. Do you know what it means? Do share, I have no idea what I just typed. Everything was just entering my pea-sized brain and yeah baby, it's now all there. I actually wanted to type about something pretty pessimistic, but I ended up encouraging people? WOW. It's okay, even if you forgot most of me, you'll still remember me as the girl that made your day by smiling even though her own world is pretty crushed.

No, I said I'm not drunk.

You know, sometimes, I feel very inferior? Like ultra inferior- be it in physical or mental wise, I'll feel inferior one lor. Which is really a neagtive thing I should be doing because everyone should have high self esteem, okay, maybe not high, but moderate, enough for you to get by without getting squashed (highly impossible) You see, physical wise - I know myself the best. I'm not pretty, not hot, not thin, not stylo or whatever. I'm fat and round, a little cranky and sometimes moodswings, I talk nonsense at times and I think I'm a waste of space. I have low self esteem, I don't even dare to wear clothes that are sleeveless or what thereofs because I have flabby arms and if I reveal them, I might just flap them and fly to outerspace. (there are many more, i just don't wanna demoralise myself)

Actually, I don't really know what's so inferior about it. Because it doesn't really cause any dire consequences. People with all those awesome stuff uses it to gain all the popularity in the world - which I don't desire of, especially UNWANTED attention. Thanks, but no thanks. But sometimes, it's just the inferiority complex playing around with all the hormones and nerves, adjusting the way I think, like now - not focused and rebutting myself like FREEEEEEEE - with my eyes barely open. BARELY

So while my classmates are pubbing and clubbing, here am I blogging and yawning like an outcast. SIGHS. I'm tired - literally, for I ran today and did some changing room exercises, and mentally, where I'm super tired of facing the world. So now what, is this an emo post or? Sometimes, I... uuh, i forgot what I wanted to say.

I'll go now. Because the night is still young baybeh.

:D / D:

I'm ecstatic!

In about 12 hours time, I'll be running around the track, i'll be running around the track - trying to shake off my fats.

In about 11 hours time - LIBERATION DAYS OFFICIALLY STARTS (get over it lynette leee).

Ok. I think Andy Warhol is quite cute. HAHA. too bad he's gay. :(

how come all the guys that I like or I think are cute or hot are gay or sissies or bisexuals or married or not interested in girls or taking a break or damn young or just being gay huh huh huh huh huh..

then again, gays are hot. i've always wanted a sissy guy friend that's straight, someone that I can call a sister. I think it's nice to have such a person by your side. their sense of fashion would be fab and they're so smart - probably with artists too. then I can save the trouble of learning everything as he'll be there to bitch stuff to me.

i think if i had such a buddy, bitching would be my ultimate past time. :(

okay there are so many things that i wish, i want and i hope. i somehow like got my thoughts sort out, that if i wasn't born, life wouldn't be the same for many people. HAHAHAHAHAH BASKET. IM LIKE INCREASING MY OWN SELF WORTH. STFU

I actually wish that the days would rain more. because it kinds of fit in with the nostalgic era now, for me at least.

i.need.to.freaking.run.

i.want.to.lose.another.8kg.

not.put.on.another.8kg.

okay, i've decided. since i like phelps and lochte, i shall swim. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. lynette swimming? OMGAH. FLOATING YOUR MEAN.

HELLOH, I AM LINDSAY LOHAN AND I THINK YOU CAN MAKE IT. PRESSON FOR I AM LINDSAY LOHAN.

fuck, i feel very demoralised right now now now now now now.

i could kill a pillow.

The thinning of the society

she looked calm as she lay in that covered-up-bed, only revealing her head to us. Her once thick white hair was left with only a few strands on her head, thinning, quick and merciless. I stared at her for quite awhile, thinking that all these must have been a dream, that she would suddenly sit up and give me a hug, speaking in hakka, saying that she misses me alot and that I've grown up to be a big girl. It's been about 6 or 7 years since she came over for a new year visit. 7 years since I last saw her at her 80th birthday. I remember giving her a hug, while taking in a deep breath of her powdery smell. She was all well then. Except for a few complains on her back. I looked at her wrinkled skin that was unusually thin on her forehead, and my cousin pointed out to us that one of the vessels burst - that's why there seem to be a blood clot near her temple. The lipstick that they applied for her wasn't of the colour that she would usually use, it was pink, making her look very proud and arrogant when actually deep down, she's someone fun and loving. I wanted to wipe that lipcolour away and applied a more subtle shade for her. Though old, she still wants to be pretty.

The warm hearted queen has gone - leaving her kingdom in distress. Her eldest son, no where to go except to live with his overbearing sister that he's afraid of. I look at my cousin. Old, too, though slightly slow in his mentality, he gave us a "everything's gone" look and looked away. It was until I sat next to him, then we started talking, which I believed, to be the very first time. He remembers me. He said that I used to be round and fat when I was young, very cute. All I could was just to smile at him, giving him a very sorry look and said "yeah, that was very long ago" The moments of silence were caused by him remembering his mother as he stared at her photo. It was indeed a pretty photo of her, smiling. My heart cringed and I wanted to cry out loud. But I couldn't, I don't know why. She was still alive few hours ago. And she left just like that. Leaving everything behind. All the unity that she has brought into the family are bound to fall apart when she's gone. She was the main reason why everybody is still coming together. Finally, after much tolerance, I took out my Literature notes and started to read.
My female cousin took a piece of my note and read it. "JC? That's very good. Very very good. I always wanted to go JC, but couldn't." I gave her a smile and looked away. You could take my place in JC now if you want. I desperately wanted to tell her the torture of the current education system, but I decided not. I did it once to my sister and it was the end, I cried.

All the 'Good, JC good" speeches from all those relatives that I barely remember made me feel that I should finish this education system up. Everyone's pinning their hopes on me. If I don't do well, I'm not only letting down myself, but also every single one of them.

I took a look at all those strangers that were introduced to me, I barely remember some of them. I barely knew of their existence.

"Tai gu, Biao Jie, Biao ge, Xiao Yi..."

"What's your name?"

"Lynette."

"Huh?"

"Oh, uh, Ling."

I doubt they knew me either.

"The curse of the ageing population"

I read Cher's entry on her late grandmother a few weeks back. It was a beautiful remembrance, as if a photograph was taken at that point of time because everything she describe was just of serenity and peace. The curse of the ageing population - as what Cher said.

And then, I thought to myself "I'll never be able to pen down such beautiful thoughts of a person, I'll never." Why? I haven't met with any deaths yet, except for my distant Godmother during the June holidays. I haven't met a death that seemed to be impactful to my life yet. I haven't lost someone that played a huge role in my life and that I could remember clearly of. I have very vague memories of my Godmother, except for the fact that she is a peranakan and hunches. From seeing her able to walk and then wheelchair bound. From her kissing me when I was young, till she doesn't when I was slightly older. Which then I stopped visiting her house because she apparently cared more about my niece and I was just wasting time down there. But when she left, she left. Which meant no more kisses and no more ignoring. No more of nothing.

And now, the sudden news of her passing away stunned me, stunned me enough to divert my attention from the TV which was playing some drama show to my Mom. The phonecall was a nasty one. The fact that she wanted to see me and parents for the last time made my heart cringed. The sadness was a different one - different from all the heartaches that you get in school. Different from all the discouragements you get from teachers and different from the sufferings you had to tolerate from the people you hated. It was like as if I lost a part of myself. I can't wait to see her again, but I don't wish to see her. I don't want to see such a her.

She was the only Auntie that spoke pretty loud. And the only Auntie that always talks to me in Hakka - although I never understand much. She was the only Auntie that I thought her white hair looked perfectly awesome on her. And the only Auntie that I enjoyed being with. Her kids are awesome. I love the family.

And then, I witness the selfishness of the human nature. Was a phonecall so difficult for you, my dear Uncle, to my call your elder brother, my father, despite instructions from her? I think so. Perhaps a cyclone hit your flat, that's why you couldn't call. It's okay. I totally understand your disastrous situation. Totally. And I do hope I don't have to see you later. People like you disgust me.

As much as I know Lit and Art are the only subjects left, by leaving my school work to attend the wake is already a very hasty and risky situation. But then again, personal failure or the last time to see someone dear before they're gone forever - which one would you choose? I think most of us would choose to fail on your own. I don't know. Perhaps the minority (or the majority) would think that seeing someone for the last time isn't important at all, people like you-know-who. Uncle would be there though.

One day I wa found and the next I was lost.

I need to be strong
And I need to move on with my life
You know it's not that I don't care
So don't make me feel bad
It's not fair

You know it's not easy to do
Turning my back on me and you

Smiles they turned into tears
And all of my dreams
They all disappeared

It's funny how things turn around

Personal Belongings. Who likes to share? No one. I always thought that life was like black and white. Until when I grew older, and experienced things that my parents never taught me how to respond or handle, I risked and gambled and tried to play fate. Did things that I never thought I would do since young. Ambitions of being a teacher were totally casted out of the window because I told myself to study hard to get out of school as soon as possible and not study hard, get out of school and get back into the education system - that's like suicide. The older I grew, the more cynical I got about life because all the beautiful things in life are NOT free and therefore, being not rich, I suffer. Perhaps, it's just the perception. My perception of life seems to be pretty tainted all thanks to the education system and the way of life in Singapore. Can't blame me. Brought up in such an environment, it's hard to not adapt.

Okay, I sound very cynical now. And I don't like. Now it's back to Darcy.